The Top Five Worst PS3 Exclusives Ever
When a developer keeps banging on about a single feature, it’s generally a pretty good sign that what remains of the game proper is devoid of any quality. Outside of developers with near-unlimited resources – you know, your Naughty Dogs and your Valves – imagine that making a game is a bit like playing an RTS; it’s all about resource management. You have X amount of game development points (GDP™) and, as a developer, you have to decide how best to spend them. Do you blow half your wad on the graphics engine? Or on audio design? With 70% of its GDP spunked on 256 players, Zipper had about £4 left to spend on gameplay.
No one expected this. Haze was a shooter by Free Radical Design; that’s the same Free Radical Design that brought the world Timesplitters and its sequels. Unlike Timesplitters, however, this game was bum. To this day we still don’t know what went wrong. The game was chock-full of unique visual design and at least one cool gameplay mechanic in the form of ‘Nectar’. But then there was the story, which seemed to have been written by a shelf. It was full of ludicrous names – Gabriel “Skin Coat” Merino – and concepts stolen from the back of a packet of Space Invaders crisps. The deflated irony of Haze is unmatched. Some publications even called Haze the “Halo-killer” prior to its release. We imagine they feel quite daft now.
Someone needs to invent a new word for cliché. Its relationship would be what ‘stink’ is to ‘smell’, and its use held in reserve for when the object of its fury was of a genus of videogame so hackneyed, that the criticism itself would be as tired and old-hat as that which it’s attempting to lambaste. It looks like a PS2 game. A lot of videogame commentators have made that claim when a current-gen title falls short of the visual cost of entry. That’s a shame. Because like the boy who cried wolf, such exaggerations take the sting out of it when a game really, really does. A horrific stinking mess of a game which sullies the reputation of all JRPGs on PS3.
Did Sony pressure Factor 5 into releasing Lair as a poster-boy for its SixAxis controller? Logic would certainly point in that direction. What other possible reason could there be for releasing a game which officially has the worst control layout of all time. The premise was a good one; through the hands of the comically named hero – Rohn Partridge – you’ll need to steer an almighty dragon from mountain to moor, laying waste to hordes of enemies – soldiers, siege engines, other dragons and so on. The problem is, with the SixAxis, it felt more like poking a cow down a slalom with a ruler.
Genji: Days Of The Blade is inconceivably bad. It has no redeeming features, there’s no plot points of any interest, the all-important combat is as dumb as is possible with the Sixaxis, and you’re rarely given an opportunity to enjoy the game, as it has all the depth and complexity of Track And Field. It’s rubbish, and you’re unlikely to find anyone of sound mind who disagrees. We’re nothing if not objective, and from a purely technical point of view Days Of The Blade fails in almost every aspect of game design; shoddy combat, irritating viewpoints and mindless puzzles Honestly, we’d rather be eating our own shit.