Worst Games Of The Generation
Usually when you review something you do try and look for the good in it. No one deliberately sets out to make a bad game after all (unless you’re weird like Beat Takeshi or Penn and Teller), given the time, money and hours involved with development.
Some poor bugger somewhere has been up ‘til silly hours of the morning during crunch time, his veins coursing with litres of taurine based energy drinks, his eyelids stapled open and grindcore on his headphones to keep him awake.
Despite that, shit happens, and eh, shit inevitably gets released.
So you’ve probably seen a bunch of ‘best of the generation’ lists floating around now, yes? Well they’re all well and good, but so much relentless positivity is sickening, especially at this time of year.
So let’s be negative for once, and administer a kicking to the worst games released this console generation. It’s what Santa, Jesus and that lot would want.
Like the Beatles once said, ‘All you need is hate.’
Ride To Hell: Retribution (PC, PS3, 360)
This one’s the freshest in the memory as it’s the most recently released, and it’s beautifully terrible. It’s what you’d get if you tried to combine Sons of Anarchy with Gears of War, and then got a bunch of 9 year olds to develop it.
It’s almost so bad it’s funny, but just think… some poor Sons of Anarchy fan who’s looking for something to fill the void left by his favourite show ending is going to see this, think’ ooooh’ and spend 40 pounds on it, 40 pounds which he could spend instead on a nice pair of trousers, a load of David Bowie albums or a selection of exotic cheeses. Steer him the right way.
AMY (PS3, 360)
VectorCell recently developed a remake of Flashback that was largely pretty duff but Amy makes it seem like Vanquish.
Amy is hilariously inept; a survival horror game that was branded as ‘Ico with Zombies’ by one games website that will remain nameless. It was just broken, cribbing a load of ideas from better Survival Horror games and still managing to mess them up. And there were stealth bits. Unless you’re about to fight a 50ft mech piloted by an effete soldier with an English accent and a blonde mullet, stealth is no fun.
Rogue Warrior (PC, PS3, 360)
Imagine for a second, that you’re Mickey Rourke.
You can barely feel your face and you have appalling dress sense, but you’re taking girls home that are half your age and you’ve got Directors and Producers clamouring to employ you after your Oscar nominated turn in The Wrestler.
So what do you do next? Do you continue your winning artistic streak and work on Paul Thomas Anderson’s next film or do something daft for the money? Well, if you’re Mickey Rourke, you choose to voice the main character in one of the most offensively stupid games on the planet. It’s more embarrassing than being caught watching Wild Orchid by your mother.
Leisure Suit Larry: Reloaded (PC, iOS, Android)
Leisure Suit Larry is the videogame equivalent of watching Babestation at 1 in the morning and wanting to die. It’s digitised self-loathing in its purest form. It’s impossible to know just why people would make, let alone release something like Leisure Suit Larry these days.
Do they make money? Is there an audience? And if there is, what’s wrong with them? Do they need a hug? Or a kicking? What year is this? Who’s the President? If it were up to us, Larry would have been castrated and turned into a eunuch long ago.
The Golden Compass (PC, PS3, 360, Wii, PSP, DS)
Poor old The Golden Compass. Believe it or not, it was a decent enough film (though massively reduced from the book, but hey ho), and it’s a shame the other books in the series never got adapted, but If it spares everyone more videogames like this, maybe it’s for the best.
Golden Compass was violently inept at everything it did. It tried its hand at being an action game (imagine God of War with a Polar Bear at about 15 frames per second and you’re there) and a dreadful platformer/adventure with a precocious ginger twerp.
It was QTE’d up to its backside too. It made us want to find religion, although strangely, more than one of the NowGamer massive have all the gamer points for it. Naming no names (alright, me).
007 Legends (PC, PS3, 360)
It’s been depressing seeing Activision piddle all over the James Bond franchise, especially considering Goldeneye 007 on the N64 is still the best film to game adaptation.
It’s hard to blame developers Eurocom for Legends to be honest, as by all accounts they were given less than a year to develop the thing, and they proved they could talk the talk with their own Goldeneye Remake.
Legends though? It was a bunch of iffy Call of Duty levels set in a bunch of recognisable James Bond locations with bad graphics and tedious, rubbish gameplay. It proved once and for all, that Vin Diesel’s xXx is better than any Bond film.
007 Legends? More like 007 Bellends.
Castlevania Judgement (Wii)
Before Mercury Steam swept in to save Castlevania with the excellent Lords of Shadow, the franchise was at best, treading water (with increasingly repetitive DS Metroidvanias) and at its worst, taking the piss.
Castlevania Judgement on the Wii is the worst game ever to have the name Castlevania brandished on the packaging. Surely a Wii Castlevania advenure should be great yes, using the wiimote to whip away? Alas, that would make too much sense, so they made an abomination of a beat em up with some of the worst character designs this side of a Final Fantasy game.
Carmilla made Ivy from Soul Calibur seem like Sinead O’Connor.
Anubis II (Wii)
When the Wii came out and did gangbusters, there were suddenly loads of games available for it. Terrific, yes? Nope. There were loads of ‘Popcorn arcade’ titles, like Ninjabread Man, Billy the Wizard: Rocket Broomstick Racing, Hamster Heroes and of course Anubis II.
There wasn’t actually an Anubis I, it’s pronounced Anubis the second, because he’s a pretentious cock.
Whenever you went to a Game or Gamestation in the olden days of 2007, you’d doubtless see a copy of this little fart of a game, with its little Egyptian cartoon dog staring back at you. Hatred in his eyes. For himself. Terrible game.
Aliens: Colonial Marines (PC, PS3, 360)
There’s no way Randy Pitchford and Gearbox are getting away with some of their nonsense this generation. The shiny gold star they get for the Borderlands games is immediately wiped out by the kerfuffle brought about by Aliens: Colonial Marines.
It should have been brilliant frankly, and it looked it from early clips, but then you played it. Graphic were bland, the plot and writing was abysmal (as well as a giant slap in the face to the Alien movies) and the aliens were idiots.
Plus, there were bits with human enemies, because the Alien films were all about commanding through a bunch of marines, right? The DLC was just as bad. It’s still more enjoyable than Prometheus though.
Duke Nukem Forever (PC, PS3, 360)
HELLO AGAIN GEARBOX.
To be fair, they were just releasing something that had already been worked on, but still, guilt by association. The most embarrassing thing about Duke Nukem Forever is that George Broussard – obviously thinking himself some kind of tortured genius auteur – kept delaying it and changing it like the videogame equivalent of Axl Rose.
Alas, like Chinese Democracy, Duke Nukem Forever was a bloated, outdated sack of horse toss that proved just how deluded its creator was. It says everything that the best part of Duke Nukem Forever was the bit near the start where you picked up a poo, and chucked it about. If only Ebert had played it.