A Game For Every Occasion

Concerned About Worldwide Pandemics… Get over here
Every time the news starts going on and on and on about some potential virus outbreak somewhere on the planet, you get drowned in footage of miserable people moaning around with their mouths covered by masks, eyes like frightened cattle. It’s all so depressing, so you’ll need a more positive example of how such a fashion statement can work to make you look even more badass than ever before, so badass that you could punch out Superman. Yes, it’s that rare time when Mortal Kombat Vs DC Universe is needed to get you up, up and away from your depression. Just look at Sub Zero or Scorpion – they’re obviously both dressed as if they’re a bit worried about Pig SARS yet that hasn’t stopped them getting out and about. They just get on with things. Play the game (for as long as you can stand) and you’ll understand. Masks are brilliant. You’ll also know to steer well clear of anyone who removes theirs in plain view because they, more often than not, are about to engulf you in their fiery breath.

Can’t Afford A Holiday… And want to see Africa’s sunnier side
You’re cold, shamed, lying naked on the floor – your finances are torn and even a weekend at Centre Parcs may as well be a fortnight on the moon. Well dry those eyes and cover up your modesty with a towel because all is not lost, you are going on holiday and it’s going to be safari-so-goody. You’re going to Africa with Far Cry 2 airlines! Feel! The heat on your brow as the sun casts long shadows on the savannah. Taste! The illusionary smell you get when you see an image of fly-blown rotten meat. Drive! Any vehicle you can find and repair them all with a single tool. Ah, Africa, how beautiful your landscape and how excited your people are to see foreigners. You won’t be able to motor past a village without the local salute of inaccurate gunfire, and you can take part in this tradition too, because your ticket includes free access to an armoury! All have their ejection ports on the wrong side so it will help if you’re left-handed, but they all do their job of attracting the locals to your exact location, even when you’re crouching miles away, behind a rock. You’ll never be alone.

You’ve Lost Your Driving Licence… And it’s not down the side of the couch, either
Been caught going 33mph in a 30mph zone too many times? Driven to work while still asleep, dreaming of bumper cars and clowns that smell of ancient herring? Then you’ve probably lost your driving licence. Now your world dawdles at three miles per hour, everything seems to move in bullet time, and your weekly shop has shrunk to the size of a single rucksack. It’s a hell. Your reactions are melting, and getting back behind the wheel after a few months/years of holiday could prove fatal because slow drivers cause others to make snap decisions based on boredom. You need to keep your mind in shape. You need to play Burnout Paradise. Not only will your brain keep up to and beyond speed, but you’ll also come to a fine understanding of what the middle of a real road is really for. No one uses it, there’s plenty of room there and if you just grit your teeth and let your godly reactions take over you can make it yours.

You’ve Been Bitten By A Dog… That might have rabies
What with immigrant dogs coming over here taking up time on our lamp posts paid for by our honest taxes, no one would blame you for fearing a bite from a dog that’s wearing a beret. They could easily have rabies, and if you really need to find out if you’re going to need an injection in your bottom there’s no easier, safer or more pleasurable way than playing the opening section of BioShock. The science is unapologetically easy to understand: one of the symptoms of rabies is hydrophobia and BioShock is a very wet game. You start off drowning. Can’t stand that? Then it’s botty-puncture time. Manage to get into the sub and down into the city but jumped like a cat doing an electrified Van Halen impression when the walls burst open and aqua started to muscle in? Yes, you most certainly have rabies and need to seek some medical attention as soon as possible. You should also just avoid dogs in berets.

You’ve Contracted Tourette’s Syndrome… Possibly from a dirty needle
Have you noticed that you swear a lot more now than you used to? With F-bombs being dropped all over TV these days it’s easy to get conditioned to feel that such expletives are acceptable, but we assure you they are not. Especially when your grandparents visit. Last time they did your gran clipped you around the ear for saying the word ‘ship’ in a sentence describing what you had seen in a bottle in a curiosity shop. Fear not, oh foul-mouthed adventurer, just play 50 Cent: Blood On The Sand and you will rewire your brain to associate swearing with either the pressing of a button or an incoming RPG strike. Since you’re not very likely to suffer a rocket-propelled grenade at the exact time your folks pop over, you shouldn’t really concern yourselves about them too much, and thanks to Fiddy’s upgradeable swearing you will swiftly come to associate your need to curse with the flexing of a finger instead of using your vocal chords. Just make sure the finger you flex is not your middle one.

Your Fiancée’s Father Used To Be In A Band… Rock off!
If you need to prove to a future in-law that you’re musically inquisitive and not an utter gaming wastrel then you should know that Rock Band will be your friend. It always is. Should your intended’s parents decide to see how your sinful life is going, just make sure you have the full setup on display and it is certain to steer conversation well away from talk of job prospects, babies and what car you are driving these days and onto your soon-to-be father-in-law’s time ‘back in the day’ when he was part of an exciting underground music scene that would have laughed Pete Doherty off stage the moment he arrived. “It’s not much like a proper guitar, is it?’ He will initially deride as he places the strap around his world-weary shoulders, but if you’ve done your homework you’ll soon have him fingering one of his favourite bands. Ho ho! Failing that, just make sure you’ve downloaded Toby Keith’s Who’s Your Daddy? and get him to play vocals. You’ll probably get jilted, but at least you’ll have an amusing memory.

You’re About To Be Made Homeless… It’s another day in paradise
There were two of you earning, you both exaggerated what you could net each month in overtime and you took out a second mortgage so you could take the kids for a two-month trip to Disney World. Now one of you has been let go and you’re going to lose your house, so it would probably be a good idea to get some practice in and learn all about this ‘homeless’ thing by playing Fallout 3. After just a weekend of play you’ll realise how nuclear desolation needn’t stop you from just getting on with your life, and sleeping in the wilderness is no more vexing than watching a loading screen. You’ll even learn the right time to steal a sleep in other people’s beds. Things will get better too, because even a few pieces of corrugated iron can be used to form an acceptable shelter and, should your finances improve via collecting discarded bottle tops, you can add extra furnishings and even make your place look like a luxury Fifties home. Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen eat your heart out. No, really, do.

Celebrate D-Day… Lest We Forget
Five years ago our country’s tabloid press went crazy for the 60th anniversary of the D-Day landings, and many veterans remarked that it would be the last year they’d want to visit the five beaches. Well why not dig up grimly vicarious memories of mechanised bloodshed and hold another front-page campaign that will make everyone remember that it all happened 65 years ago? The only possible reason against such remembrance is that you hate your country and support Nazism, which is why you should put on some Fourties swing tunes and play through Brothers In Arms Hell’s Highway. You’ll learn how the horrors of war can be offset by a pleasingly slow-motioned headshot and of how American troops were able to communicate with each other at great distance by waving their fingers in the air. It’s just like being there. So much so that it’s highly likely that future generations will celebrate Brothers In Arms day by gathering in caves and telling stories of a time when hedges could not be jumped and bullets could be made safer by playing on ‘Easy’.

Games are perfect distractions from the real world and offer you the opportunity to explore freedoms that, if even flirted with in real life, would see you in jail. If everybody killed a hooker after enjoying their services Angus Deayton would still be presenting Have I Got News For You for Chrissake. Think about it, that’s just crazy. The trick is, of course, to have games as an extra in your life rather than as your life. If you’ve never had a hard look at a real tree how on earth are you meant to know if the trees in GTA IV are any good or not? There’s a game for every occasion, but then there are plenty of occasions when you really don’t need to game. At least while staring at a TV.