Gaming’s Top 10 Deepest Voices
1. Marcus Fenix
Gears Of War (Series)
It’s hard to believe that Joe DiMaggio, the very same actor who voice’s Bender in Futurama, manages to pull off such gravelly warbling as those heard from the man-mouth of Marcus Fenix. Marcus is one of the very few in this line-up whose voice actually suits the character, but only on account of said character resembling two beef buses parked either side of a meat station.
Sounds like: A quad bike in a wheelie bin.
The Chronicles Of Riddick (Series)
Vin Diesel, as well as possessing one of the daftest names in cinema, easily rocks second gruffest. His reappearance last year in Assault On Dark Athena showed him to have lost none of his reverberative prowess, whispering his threats at such a subterranean thrum as to go largely unheard by a wide variety of animals.
Sounds like: A whale belching into a cave.
Batman: Arkham Asylum
As much as the particular Batman in Batman: Arkham Asylum offers quite the ludicrous throat-discharge, we’re sorry to say that it pales in silliness when charted alongside Christian Bale’s own efforts. So well known is the bat’s laryngeal verb excrement that it even has its own name; the Bat-voice. Do you have a name for your voice? Ours is called Steve.
Sound like: A lottery machine filled with numbered lemons.
4. Jack Slate
Dead To Rights: Retribution
We wonder if Nash Racktank or whatever his name is had to attend some kind of City & Guilds to be this manly. No one, and we mean no one, speaks like this in real life. Not even the movie trailer guy, who, according to relieable sources, breakfasts on razor blades, brillo pads and streptococcus, and washes it all down with a barrel of fire.
Sound like: Borrowers shagging on a kettle drum.
5. Master Chief
How big is Master Chief’s melon? Inside that helmet, there could be a vast head with an equally big voice, which would also explain why he’s unable to take it off. Alternatively, there could be a teeny-tiny one, roughly the size of a grape, say, with the vocals explained by way of the sonorous space remaining. Ponder that one.
Sounds like: A chainsaw thrust up a zeppelin’s rear.
6. Solid Snake
Metal Gear Solid (Series)
In the world of bizarre choices for vocal parts, David Hayter’s long-standing casting as Solid Snake is still somewhat of a curio. This is the same David Hayter who wrote the X-Men movie and its sequel. By day, screenwriter of some repute, by night growling some shit about the importance of cardboard boxes. A bit like the Chewbacca defence, that one.
Sounds like: Corn Flakes in a jet engine.
7. Alex Mercer
Surely one of the most dislikeable player characters ever imagined. An ultraviolent idiot who uses his super-powers to lily pad his way around the metropolis, murdering anyone who comes his way, while revelling in toxic grunge-metal. Oh, but wait, we should care because the poor love has a story of his own. Or, he would if the giant prick could just remember it.
Sounds like: Jeffrey Dahmer.
8. Chris Redfield
Resident Evil 5
By no means the worst offender and so appearing some way down this list. Chris’ voice is not so much deep like, say, a giant cavernous horse, but nevertheless guilty of possessing one of the most generic videogame hero voices out there, which by default can’t sound like a normal human being, but rather several octaves lower and a dozen gruff-units higher.
Sounds like: Darth Vader farting in a church.
9. Sam Fisher
Splinter Cell (Series)
Sam Fisher should be higher up the list, right? Yeah, we thought so too until we tried to work out which came first; the tarmac tones or Michael Ironside. You see, Michael does actually talk like this in real life. Every day. We know; mental. It makes us ever so slightly jealous. Imagine him doing something mundane like, say, ordering pizza. With extra meat.
Sounds like: A bucketful of Satan.
10. Ash Crimson
King Of Fighters XII
Well, there had to be one girl to make this list and we couldn’t think of anyone more appropriate than King Of Fighters series stalwart Ash Crimson. Funny thing is, up until the recent twelfth outing, she sounded relatively normal, at which point, her silky girly voice was inexplicably replaced by an actress whom we can only describe as male. (Yes, we know she’s a boy. Smell the irony.)
Sounds like: A tranny.