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Gaming's Most Inappropriate Outfits Ever

Dave Cook

Feature


Theories on a postcard readers.

Published on Jun 28, 2010

12. Christie Monteiro

Out of style in: Tekken 5

She’s the female Eddy Gordo so you know what that means? Lots of mashing the kick buttons, spinning around in an endless combo loop until victory is assured. It’s almost the cruise control of the fighting genre. Cheapness aside, we can’t get our head around how Christie’s top manages to stay on as she spins and rolls about like Sonic the Hedgehog on speed. Theories on a postcard readers.

11. Arthur

Out of style in: Ghouls n’ Ghosts

Arthur’s armour looks fine, but as a defensive measure it couldn’t be more shoddy. Made from strong metal yet breaking at the slightest touch, we feel sorry for the pint-sized knight. He should have a word with whoever forged his gear and if he still has a receipt, demand his money back. Of course, when his armour breaks off he does look a tad ridiculous in his boxer shorts, but it amuses us so we’ll let it slide.

10. Sheva Alomar

Out of style in: Resident Evil 5

Her standard outfit is perfectly fine for battling zombies and gibbering mutated freaks. It’s her bonus and downloadable costumes we can’t quite fathom. First, is the mind-boggling tribal outfit that exists purely to appease any players too young to remember the first Resident Evil game. Second, is the downloadable little red riding hood outfit, that looks like a tacky Halloween costume, completely unfit for the circumstances. Capcom likes to pull out the dodgy outfits. Just look at Street Fighter’s cowboy Ken. Horrific.

9. Bridget

Out of style in: Guilty Gear

When you think of nuns, chances are you get an image of a serious-looking lady wearing a long black gown and a head-dress. But apparently, they do things quite differently in Japan. Enter Bridget, Guilty Gear’s fighting nun with an outfit that would look more at home in a swimsuit catalogue than a convent. We’re actually sure that this could be considered offensive to people of faith, although we just think it’s pure tripe. This is the same fighting series that features a guitar playing, PVC-donning witch after all, so maybe we’re expecting too much. Plus, it's a dude...yep...a dude.

8. Princess Peach

Out of style in: Super Mario Bros. 2

For a game that involves a lot of jumping, Peach certainly didn’t think too hard about what she would be wearing to the occasion. We’re amazed at how she can run so fast and jump so high without any rips or tears. Plus, her jumping animation even shows her hitching her skirt up each time she takes a leap. We know you’re a princess and all that, but next time maybe but practicality over pride? Just an idea.

7. Altair

Out of style in: Assassin’s Creed

Assassins are supposed to be stealthy chaps right? Always sneaking around in shadows, taking out their target in silence and using their environment to be hidden in plain sight. But what was Altair thinking parading around in a bright white garb, face hidden under his hood and multiple swords and knives strapped to his person? He might as well have worn a giant sandwich board with a target painted on it. No wonder guards get suspicious of him whenever he walks faster than a slow stroll.

6. Eiko

Out of style in: Final Fantasy IX

At a first glance, FFIX’s spritely little fairy-thing looks reasonably dressed. But on closer inspection, it almost looks as if Eiko is adventuring sans-undercrackers. Given that she looks about six years old, that’s a very troubling prospect. The reality is that she’s clearly wearing flesh-tone trousers, but to the skim-reader or gamer in a hurry, it almost looks like something much more suspect. There’s certainly worse-dressed characters in the series, but this one takes the prize for awkwardness.

5. Marcus Fenix

Out of style in: Gears of War

We know, we know, it’s not that we’re saying Delta Squad looks stupid, or that their armour is crap. It’s just that their suits look like they weigh the same as a small suburban family with eating disorders. Why limit your fighting potential with heavy, cast iron clothing when it doesn’t do squat to limit your vulnerability? Marcus still dies in a few shots anyway, so what we really want to know is, what is their armour made out of? Lego? Crepe paper? Solidified microwave curries? Any of these would put out mind more at ease.

4. Aya

Out of style in: OneChanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad


Here’s the situation. The dead have risen and only you can stop them, do you put on thick clothing to stop yourself getting infected by blood sprays? Do you perhaps put a helmet on to prevent neck bites? Don’t be daft. Everyone knows that when faced with zombie apocalypse the only true way to guarantee survival is to wear a bikini, cowboy hat and boots. What? You didn’t know that? You won’t last two minutes when the dead start walking mate…

3. Ivy

Out of style in: Soul Calibur II

Oh good lord. When we look at Ivy’s completely impractical garb, we begin to wonder if the folks at Namco have heard of gravity. If you want to fight dangerous opponents in life-threatening battles, the last thing you want to worry about is resolving the odd wardrobe malfunction. We can’t even begin to comprehend how one would go about putting such an outfit on, let alone how it protects Ivy from sharp, stabby sword attacks. Titanium g-string perhaps?

2. Master Chief

Out of style in: Halo Combat Evolved

Confused about Master Chief appearance on this list? Well, we’re not saying his armour looks rubbish, far from it. But if you really think about it, his armour doesn’t actually protect him from anything. Instead, it’s actually his shield that soaks up all the Covenant gunfire. So what is the point in wearing heavy, movement-restricting and presumably sweaty armour in warm conditions when it’s about as useful as a chocolate teapot? Let your shield wear down fully and look at how fast your health decreases. A suit of armour made out of cardboard, glitter and macaroni shapes would have been stronger…

1. Frank West

Out of style in: Dead Rising

It’s hard to know where to begin with this confused, oddball photographer. As the clock quickly ticks away and the zombie infection spreads all around him, Frank West should be worrying about saving as many survivors as he can, not trying on skimpy dresses and gyrating in front of mirrors. But the weird behaviour doesn’t stop there, far from it. You can even take Frank to the kid’s store and try on ill-fitting and horribly revealing clothes, not to mention the option to have him running around in a pair of boxer shorts. We think he may need to get his priorities and head in check. Think on Frank, think on…

 

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