Join us as we imagine what games would suit which occasion…

Concerned About Worldwide Pandemics… Get over here
Every time the news starts going on and on and on about some potential virus outbreak somewhere on the planet, you get drowned in footage of miserable people moaning around with their mouths covered by masks, eyes like frightened cattle. It’s all so depressing, so you’ll need a more positive example of how such a fashion statement can work to make you look even more badass than ever before, so badass that you could punch out Superman. Yes, it’s that rare time when Mortal Kombat Vs DC Universe is needed to get you up, up and away from your depression. Just look at Sub Zero or Scorpion – they’re obviously both dressed as if they’re a bit worried about Pig SARS yet that hasn’t stopped them getting out and about. They just get on with things. Play the game (for as long as you can stand) and you’ll understand. Masks are brilliant. You’ll also know to steer well clear of anyone who removes theirs in plain view because they, more often than not, are about to engulf you in their fiery breath.

Can’t Afford A Holiday… And want to see Africa’s sunnier side
You’re cold, shamed, lying naked on the floor – your finances are torn and even a weekend at Centre Parcs may as well be a fortnight on the moon. Well dry those eyes and cover up your modesty with a towel because all is not lost, you are going on holiday and it’s going to be safari-so-goody. You’re going to Africa with Far Cry 2 airlines! Feel! The heat on your brow as the sun casts long shadows on the savannah. Taste! The illusionary smell you get when you see an image of fly-blown rotten meat. Drive! Any vehicle you can find and repair them all with a single tool. Ah, Africa, how beautiful your landscape and how excited your people are to see foreigners. You won’t be able to motor past a village without the local salute of inaccurate gunfire, and you can take part in this tradition too, because your ticket includes free access to an armoury! All have their ejection ports on the wrong side so it will help if you’re left-handed, but they all do their job of attracting the locals to your exact location, even when you’re crouching miles away, behind a rock. You’ll never be alone.

You’ve Lost Your Driving Licence… And it’s not down the side of the couch, either
Been caught going 33mph in a 30mph zone too many times? Driven to work while still asleep, dreaming of bumper cars and clowns that smell of ancient herring? Then you’ve probably lost your driving licence. Now your world dawdles at three miles per hour, everything seems to move in bullet time, and your weekly shop has shrunk to the size of a single rucksack. It’s a hell. Your reactions are melting, and getting back behind the wheel after a few months/years of holiday could prove fatal because slow drivers cause others to make snap decisions based on boredom. You need to keep your mind in shape. You need to play Burnout Paradise. Not only will your brain keep up to and beyond speed, but you’ll also come to a fine understanding of what the middle of a real road is really for. No one uses it, there’s plenty of room there and if you just grit your teeth and let your godly reactions take over you can make it yours.

… continued